There have been plenty more dangerous, deadly and downright horrible years in history than we’ve experienced over the the last 12 months, but if you’re an avid consumer of news it’s difficult not to look back on 2016 with some scorn.
This was the year we lost David Bowie, Prince, Muhammad Ali, Lemmy, Leonard Cohen, Terry Wogan, Alan Rickman, Victoria Wood, Gene Wilder, George Martin, Harper Lee, Garry Shandling, Ronnie Corbett, Florence Henderson, Alan Thicke and Jon English. Even the woman who was the voice of Judy Jetson died. It’s a miracle there are any famous people left standing, frankly.
Some might even say 2016 was the year democracy died, as Hillary Clinton racked up 2.8 million more votes than her opponent Donald Trump but lost the US Presidential election to him anyway.
Things weren’t much better here in Australia. Pauline Hanson somehow became a thing again. The Great Barrier Reef turned into a really depressing ad for White King.
The whole of SA went back to the dark ages, literally.
And the most exciting thing about the Olympics was the fact the Aussie team was more likely to come home with the Zika virus than any gold medals.
Throw in the advent of blue coffee, $15 avocado on toast, Richie picking Alex on The Bachelor and the highly irritating “Chewbacca mom” and you’ve got one hell of a dud year.
But as we’ve learned from President-elect Trump: if you don’t like the way reality is panning out, just make stuff up.
So with Trumpian flair, here are some of the headlines I wish we’d seen in 2016:
BREAKING: DAVID BOWIE DYES HIS HAIR
“It’s great to go back to my ranger roots,” the fighting fit, 69-year-old pop singer says.
BREAKING: PRINCE FOUND WORKING ON NEW ALBUM OF DUETS WITH DAVID BOWIE
The two music legends will finally team up for a heavenly new collection of songs.
TRUMP: “OK I ADMIT IT, I WAS JOKING”
Donald Trump hands over the Presidency to Hillary Clinton, revealing the 2016 election was all an elaborate stunt for his new reality show “I’m A Celebrity, Not A Politician, I Have No Idea What I’m Doing, Get Me Out Of Here”.
UK: “OK WE ADMIT IT, WE WERE JOKING”
Actually, this headline did kind of happen after the Brexit vote.
TURNBULL SAYS “I DO” TO MARRIAGE EQUALITY
“What kind of Prime Minister would I be if I allowed gays and lesbians to be treated like second class citizens just to appease a vocal minority of religious conservatives?” Mr Turnbull asked.
POLITICIANS REVERSE VOTE ON SA EUTHANASIA LAWS
“What kind of community leaders would we be if we forced terminally ill people to continue living in pain and suffering just to appease a vocal minority of religious conservatives?” the 23 politicians all asked in unison.
AMERICA BANS ASSAULT WEAPONS AFTER FLORIDA NIGHTCLUB SHOOTING
“We really should have done this after Sandy Hook,” President Obama said.
ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS: THE MOVIE LIVES UP TO EXPECTATIONS, NOT COMPLETELY TERRIBLE
The legacy of one of the funniest sitcoms of all time remains untrashed.
JOHNNY DEPP: “I QUIT”
The actor announces his immediate retirement from movies to concentrate on waxing his moustache and growing his leather necklace collection.
FRANCE CELEBRATES BASTILLE DAY WITH WINE AND CHEESE
Everyone had a great time, no one was hurt, and nothing terrible happened.
BRUSSELS VOTED MOST BORING EUROPEAN CITY FOR 10TH YEAR RUNNING
Nothing eventful happened in the Belgian capital for the whole of 2016, except for one time in August when Guillaume dropped his chocolate waffle. No major incidents of any sort were recorded.
DAMI IM WINS EUROVISION
Australia beats Europe at their own game to take the kitsch song competition crown. Healthy and happy broadcasting icon Terry Wogan to commentate the 2017 telecast live from Adelaide Oval.
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First published in The Advertiser on December 15, 2016. CLICK HERE to read the original article.