ON Tuesday morning I drove to Mount Lofty to see a giant flower that smelled like a hot garbage bin filled with animal carcasses and sweaty socks.

Later that day, South Australian federal minister Jamie Briggs resigned over a “serious” late-night incident involving a female staffer in a Hong Kong bar.

I’m not saying the two are in any way related, but if there’s a more perfect metaphor for Australian politics in 2015 than a big, rotten stink that rapidly collapsed in on itself I can’t think of it.

Just look at all the other rubbish that spewed out of Parliament this year: knighthoods for the royal family. Allegedly drunken dancing on coffee tables. Improper use of helicopters. Barnaby Joyce picking fights with Johnny Depp’s dogs. More bloody leadership spills.

I don’t think I’m alone when I say that now we’re officially in a new year, it’d be nice to leave this sort of political nonsense behind in 2015.

But why stop there? If the new year is truly about turning over a new leaf, there are plenty of things we should dump back in 2015, never to be seen again. Namely:

Donald Trump.

As a fan of TV show The Apprentice I used to quite enjoy watching Trump, with his blustering and his bellowing and his firings. Then he decided he wanted to be President and I realised he was basically an idiot with a Womble attached to his head who thinks the answer to everything is to either bomb it or build a wall on it.

Trump: you’re fired from 2016.

The Kardashians.

I’m not one of those po-faced people who thinks the Kardashians represent the coming of the apocalypse. There are far more obvious signs of that than Kim’s bum gracing yet another magazine cover (see above, for example).

But I think it’s reasonable to suggest that after almost 10 years of waiting for this family to deliver something in the way of actual talent, it’s finally time to give up.

Motivational quotes on Facebook.

One of the best news-stories-based-on-a-spurious-scientific-study to come out in 2015 was the one that concluded people who post “inspirational” quotes on social media have a lower IQ than everyone else.

Point being: stop doing this, you look dumb.


The term of endearment of choice for anyone under the age of 25 got even more annoying when people over 25 discovered it and started integrating it into ironic marketing campaigns.

What is the point of this word? It can’t be about laziness, it doesn’t even have fewer syllables than “babe”. If all you millennials could just drop this in 2016 that’d be great, thanks.

Pulled pork.

Pulled pork is to 2015 what sun-dried tomato focaccia was to 1995. Quite apart from which, it sounds disgusting. Stop it.

Being reminded to drink water when it’s hot.

And put on sunscreen, and wear a hat, and “seek shade”. So wait, you’re saying we shouldn’t go jogging in woollen jumpers on a 40-degree day? Thanks for the heads-up.

This is Australia. We’re sort of used to it getting hot here. You can stop teaching us about air conditioning now.

Celebrities complaining about airlines on Twitter.

Pop quiz: when multi-millionaire Russell Crowe turned up for his Virgin flight this week and found out his kids couldn’t bring their new hoverboards did he a) say “that’s understandable, given they seem to keep bursting into flames all over the world” and shell out some cash to have them freighted, or b) chuck a tanty on Twitter to his more than 1.8 million followers?

Guess what, celebs: the only people who care about your petty complaints are the gossip columnists.

Oh, and speaking of hoverboards:


They don’t even hover. Utter rubbish.

So, what do you think we should ditch in 2016? Leave a comment at advertiser.com.au


First published in The Advertiser, January 2, 2016. CLICK HERE to read the original article.